Bob Barr

Color-code mania
A modest proposal for a more effective threat-level system

February 5, 2004
as published in Creative Loafing

It used to be that the worst fate befalling someone suffering from color blindness would be to walk into a business meeting with a mismatched suit and tie, or with one sock black and the other blue.

Nowadays, the stakes are much higher. In fact, with all the color-coded warnings bombarding us, I worry that some poor soul suffering from color blindness might be shot on sight because he or she misread a government warning.

Add to the already confusing Homeland Security color-code alerts the new passenger profiling color codes (currently being implemented by the airport security folks) and those surveillance cameras with red lights sprouting up all over the place, and you've got a recipe for sheer disaster.

As always, your friend, Bob, has cooked up a solution. To ensure that every citizen and every visitor to our country has equal access to the vital colors now controlling our lives -- in other words, to ensure that we'll have truly nondiscriminatory color codes -- we need to institute a new system and, of course, a new acronym. I suggest the COLOR System (the Controlling Our Lives through Omnipresent Regulations System).

The Homeland Security Department's existing five-level threat condition hierarchy, comprised of red (severe), orange (high), yellow (elevated), blue (guarded) and green (low), is far too limiting and confusing. I mean, what do "elevated" and "guarded" mean, and when exactly do we transition from one to the other? Do you stick out your foot and trip a "suspicious person" if the threat is "elevated" but not if it's as low as "guarded"? At what level of "threat" can you just pull out your gun and shoot someone who looks "suspicious"?

And why are there only five threat levels? I doubt the terrorists limit themselves to a mere five attack levels. Given the powers available to government, and considering that the government already regulates virtually every aspect of our lives, is it really reasonable to cram all that power into just five threat levels? I think not.

What we really need is a more extensive code system, which the new COLOR System would bring us. To more precisely alert us each day exactly what the Homeland Security folks believe the threat level is, COLORS would have not five, but 25 different levels.

For example, instead of the overly inclusive "yellow," which under the current system signifies an "elevated" threat level (which could mean just about anything), the new system would have five shades of yellow.

In this way, Americans would be better able to understand the precise threat level facing them at the start of each day, and be better prepared to meet the challenges posed by that threat level. You might subdivide yellow this way:

- "Legal Pad Yellow," the lowest yellow level, would signify a threat sufficient to require legal advice.

- "Lemon Yellow" would require you to cut and run.

- "Mustard Yellow" would signify the French are coming.

- "Highlighter Yellow" would require reading the fine print.

- "Canary Yellow" would be the highest "yellow" level of all, requiring flight.

Each of the other four major alert levels would be similarly broken down into their own sub-tones ("Greenback Green," "Blood Red," "Outback Orange," etc.).

Regardless of whether she spends time in the Big House (or perhaps even as part of her community service), Martha Stewart could advise us all on the universally recognized shades of red, orange, yellow, blue and green. They would be placed on color-coded charts, which would then be a required display in every home, business and public building.

For the colorblind, each shade in the COLOR System would be accompanied by a numbered code, which could even more precisely tell the citizen the particular threat level for that day. For example, "Legal Pad Yellow 3.35" would require slightly greater vigilance than "Legal Pad Yellow 3.25"; "Blood Red 5.95" would tell each of us the game's up and it's too late anyhow, so don't worry. No longer would citizens aimlessly wander about asking total strangers, "What is the threat today, Citizen?" "Need we worry today, Neighbor?" "Must we bring out our duct tape today or might we rely on our deadbolts only, Mr. Government Official?"

See how much simpler life would be? How much safer you'd feel? How much more soundly you'd sleep?

Because the daily color code would be broadcast repeatedly and placed by regulation on the front page of every newspaper, everyone would be aware of the specific color and numeric designation at any moment. No person, not even the color-impaired, would be less informed than any other.

Adding Braille would completely round out the picture. We'd truly be an equal threat-awareness society. I can hardly wait, and somehow I don't think the wait will be long.