Bob Barr

The verdict isn't in:
But a former prosecutor handicaps celebrity cases

January 15, 2004
as published in Creative Loafing

Yeah, I know. 2004 is an election year. And as we get closer to the Nov. 2 election, it's a good bet political stories will occupy the largest portion of newspapers' front pages.

But, I tell you, the first part of this year, at least, will be a dream world for celebrity justice junkies. We'll see more big celebrity cases than suitors waiting in line to marry Britney Spears. By the time Election Day rolls around, there will have been enough "Trials of the Century" to overdose even the most stalwart courtroom groupie.

The '04 lineup gets under way with Baretta, aka Robert Blake, on trial for the Big One: Murder. Blake's own worst enemy is ... Blake. He looks like a killer. I mean, he's so mean looking, he makes me look like Aunt Bea from "The Andy Griffith Show." Of course, as tough as Robert Blake is and looks, apparently the woman he's alleged to have killed was every bit as roughhewn. This one's a near tossup, though it's a harder road for the defense, and I'm putting odds on the prosecution.

Lifestyle maven Martha Stewart takes center stage next, facing charges of white-collar fraud wrapped in a veneer of earth tones. I think she's getting a bum rap. When the government tries to convict someone based in part on the fact that they publicly proclaimed their innocence, that's more of a stretch than the president claiming that opening our borders to illegal immigrants actually will improve border security.

Still, with the number of charges the feds have brought against her, and the fact that many folks resent Stewart's success, it's a dangerous situation for her. All things considered, I think she beats Uncle Sam.

Then comes the Main Event: Michael Jackson. If ever a case was made for the media, this is it. If weird was a crime, Jackson would receive a dozen life sentences without parole. But, although far too many things are crimes that ought not to be, weirdness isn't among them -- at least not yet.

Jackson's ace in the hole is the fact that the prosecutor seems more of a publicity hound than yours truly. I mean, what kind of prosecutor thinks it's more important to hire a publicist than a competent investigator? While probably most Americans think Jacko is guilty (and, gosh, look at him -- he's gotta be guilty of something), the average Joe serving on a jury is not going to appreciate what appears to be a government vendetta. I bet Jackson walks on these charges.

Kobe Bryant. This one's a toughie. The charges are nasty, the evidence salacious and the defendant not especially sympathetic. The defense will pull out all stops to make the victim the criminal, not Saint Kobe. So long as prosecutors survive the onslaught of pretrial motions that undoubtedly will be leveled against them, they stand a good shot at getting Mr. Bryant to plead out to something. I'm guessing some sort of misdemeanor or possibly a non-violent felony.

Have you ever seen a smugger, cockier defendant than Scott Peterson? OK, how about since OJ? The urge to just reach out and slap this guy is overwhelming. Because of the difficult forensic evidence, however, the prosecution's case will not be easy, and lead defense attorney Mark Geragos isn't known for making the government's job easier. Still, Pretty Boy Peterson is a very unlikable defendant. Bottom line, based on the way the case is shaping up thus far: Peterson fries.

Back on the East Coast: You thought the Beltway Sniper cases were over and that we wouldn't have to relive that trauma? I don't think so. Because the Virginia prosecutor scheduled Lee Boyd Malvo's capital murder case for trial between Thanksgiving and Christmas, for heaven's sake, of course the jury let him off on the death penalty. I thought every prosecutor knew you didn't bring vitally important cases involving heinous crimes any time near Christmas. I was wrong. Some of the jurors apparently -- and predictably -- were swayed more by Malvo's cherubic facade than his demonic mind. I think we'll see young Mr. Malvo get a ticket to the Deep South to face another of the many murder charges against him, and tried during the heat of the summer rather than the glow of the holidays. Expect a very different result, in his next trial.

Who knows what other juicy celebrity cases will surface during 2004? Perhaps, some of the top fish from Enron, WorldCom or Adelphia cable will have to face the music this year (that process may already have started with one medium-sized fish from Enron copping a plea last week). Perhaps, some corporate defrauders we haven't even heard of will surface. Maybe everybody's favorite monster, Saddam Hussein, will find himself transported from the spider hole to the court docket.

But even in the unlikely event that not a single new celebrity case presents itself in 2004, the coming 12 months will be the dream year for those of us who cannot exist on a low-drama diet. Fasten your seatbelts, and bring on the popcorn.